Dating Profile Picture Advice for Catholics

Here’s my advice article that got rejected by a popular dating site for Catholics. These tips still need to be shared!

Do you ever have trouble finding pictures to fill out your profile on dating apps? Good news for you! Online dating companies have been collecting data for years now, and they’ve actually started to get profile pictures down to a science, via trend analysis. Here are just a few of my favorite tips for how to make your profile stand out in the crowd.

1) Have high-quality photos:

People prefer high-resolution, quality photos, as opposed to blurry, or oddly cropped ones. If the picture was taken in poor light, or from too far away, it can turn away a potential match. Consider the plight of the sasquatch, and how sightings of them are so rare in our day. Every photo of a sasquatch is poorly framed and blurry, and that is why sasquatch always struggle to get online matches, except from much older sasquatch, who are trying to bat out of their league. The simple truth is that without a portfolio of high-quality photos, you place your bloodline at risk of extinction.

2) Don’t be Abraham Lincoln

You should not post a picture from Halloween where you’re dressed as Abraham Lincoln. Surprising, right? He gave the Gettysburg Address, he’s on the penny and the $5 bill, and well… he is all around the greatest president in the history of the United States! And yet studies show that an Abraham Lincoln hat and beard yield poor results on popular dating websites. It just doesn’t make sense, but this is one of those instances where we have to trust the data.

3) Think it all the way through before posting a photo of you with somebody else’s dog

Some of us fellas are under the false impression that pictures with dogs work like a magic love potion, but those furry friends can cause real “doggone” trouble! I mean, at first it seems easy. Go to the park, find a cool dog, and get an adorable photo with the pup. Now, just suppose you get a match because of that photo. You go on a couple of dates, and things go well. You think you’re a genius? Well guess what, Romeo? Your match is going to start asking to see the dog. Oh yes, she remembers, and she will be very disappointed if she can’t meet that exact dog. So now what? If you really love this woman, you are going to need to find a way to acquire that dog, lest she learn you’re a fraud.

You are now facing a dog-napping scenario.

Oh, the dog-napping itself is easy enough – a simple matter of putting $1,200 together and getting in touch with the right sort of people – but what about the guilt? First, you are telling a lie to the sweet woman you’re in love with; on top of that, you’ll have this growing disgust with yourself, for putting the animal’s rightful owners through the excruciating grief of losing their cherished family pet. It is a personal hell that I wish upon no man.

Early on, you cope, because the excitement of new found love drowns your conscience. As months roll by though, the weight of the lies and guilt wears on you relentlessly. Eventually, it consumes you. Your sullen demeanor strains the relationship. Your sweetheart knows you well enough by now to sense that something is amiss. A mysterious dark cloud has fallen over you, and it perplexes her, more and more. She begs to know why you are in this rut; inevitably, she begins to fear that the problem is her. You watch helplessly as she spirals into a deep depression. You want so badly to explain what you’re going through, to tell her everything for the sake of you both; but if you tell her, that may hurt her more! You discover, to your horror, that this relationship (which is built on your shameful lie), can only end in pain and regret. Talk about a “rrruff” situation, right?

Ultimately, it’s your decision, but keep all of this in mind before you decide to post a picture with a dog that is not yours.

4) Keep it modest

Modesty becomes a particularly important factor when it comes to choosing your profile pictures on a Catholic dating site. Even for the most educated of Catholics, it can be a confusing, frustrating, and controversial topic. While there are have been a lot of articles written about what defines modesty, I think that the best place for answers is still the catechism. I’m referring of course to the catechism’s Modesty Tables, located in Appendix F of Section 2, Chapter Two, Article IX. Table 1 converts your weight, height, and other variables to cubits, and Table 2 uses those inputs to deliver your Universal Modesty Index Number (UMIN). Simply take the UMIN from Table 2, and look it up in USCCB Schedules M1001-M9999 for the current fiscal quarter (available by request at your local post office or library). There you will find a list of ISBNs for appropriate attire, from a variety of popular designers, tailored to guarantee modesty for you the upcoming season. Time to go shopping!

5) Do a Google search for “dating profile picture tips”

Seriously. Why do you even ask me? It’s all online anyway. You can use a mouse! Come on.


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